[ and there it is, that sinking, cold feeling she always gets when the future is being held up in front of her like some kind of threat. not that it is, technically, but the way her chest twists makes her feel threatened, and it's probably written all over her face. it's humiliating, feeling so afraid of something that ultimately can't touch her here, but she is. she shakes her head, just this little tiny movement, looking just as embarrassed as she is afraid ]
I can't know. Not yet. [ she's looking somewhere past him for a second, shaking her head again before her eyes find his again, brow furrowed ] I know it makes me weak, like I'm trying to bury my head in the sand, but I can't- know those things. Not when I know I wasn't there to help, or fix things, or stop them. [ it's all guilt and responsibility and- yeah. but. ] I'm sorry.
I've been trying very hard to focus on what we all have here, you know? Because it's technically all I really do have. James and me. [ and she pauses there, hoping he sees that that's really what scares her. not the actual information, but the fact that she won't be there for any of it, she's still dealing with that. ] Not to say I'll just excuse what people did at home, who they are or what they've done, but I'm not- ready yet. To know.
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Date: 2014-03-31 11:20 pm (UTC)I can't know. Not yet. [ she's looking somewhere past him for a second, shaking her head again before her eyes find his again, brow furrowed ] I know it makes me weak, like I'm trying to bury my head in the sand, but I can't- know those things. Not when I know I wasn't there to help, or fix things, or stop them. [ it's all guilt and responsibility and- yeah. but. ] I'm sorry.
I've been trying very hard to focus on what we all have here, you know? Because it's technically all I really do have. James and me. [ and she pauses there, hoping he sees that that's really what scares her. not the actual information, but the fact that she won't be there for any of it, she's still dealing with that. ] Not to say I'll just excuse what people did at home, who they are or what they've done, but I'm not- ready yet. To know.